Ditch the Surface-Level Bonds—Create Trust That Transforms

Let’s talk about trust. It’s the backbone of every great coaching relationship—and honestly, every meaningful conversation. Without trust, we can only scratch the surface. With it? We can dig deep, explore, and unlock incredible growth.

We often navigate conversations believing that basic communication skills are enough. But let’s face it—without trust, even the best intentions can only scratch the surface. Trust is the backbone of every meaningful connection, the foundation of growth, and the spark for transformational change. Without it, relationships stagnate, and opportunities slip away. With it? You can unlock boundless potential, dig deep, and achieve breakthroughs.

Now, imagine this: Instead of conversations feeling like negotiations or battles, what if every dialogue became a platform for growth, alignment, and shared success? What if you could approach every conversation, no matter how high the stakes, with confidence, clarity, and purpose?

That’s the power of trust. It’s not something you demand—it’s something you build moment by moment, question by question, through listening like you mean it. As Jim Knight says in The Definitive Guide to Instructional Leadership, “We’ve got to ask the right questions and listen like we mean it.” Let’s make trust our starting point.

When Growth Feels Vulnerable

Speaking on stage has always been a challenge for me. It’s not something that comes easily. The attention focused solely on me feels incredibly vulnerable, and the butterflies in my stomach often leave me feeling nauseous.

When I attended a three-day speakership training course, I took a deep dive into the world of keynote speaking. Surrounded by extremely successful speakers, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. Participating in and completing the course was a courageous stretch—uncomfortable and emotionally challenging, yet I chose to push through.

On the third day, we each had to stand before the entire cohort and deliver a small section of our keynote. The purpose was to gain speaking mileage and draw on the expertise in the room for feedback. 

It was one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life. Standing in front of a room filled with talented individuals—many of whom made their living as keynote speakers—and receiving their feedback was entirely different from any previous experience.

The session was framed and explained well to create an environment of trust and safety. Yet, even when you’re told the space is safe and the process is trustworthy, trusting—both yourself and others—is not always easy. Ultimately, trust is something you must own and actively choose to give.

Trust Starts Within

That experience taught me a lot. Trust isn’t just about the environment or what others say—it starts with us. As Charles Feltman writes in The Thin Book of Trust, “Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

Think about that for a second. Trust is about risk. It’s about vulnerability. And it’s about making the call to open up. That’s why it’s so deeply personal.

Brené Brown explains this beautifully with her marble jar analogy. Every moment of connection adds marbles to the jar. Every moment of disconnection or distrust takes them away. Stephen M.R. Covey builds on this in Speed of Trust, describing trust as a bank account. Every relationship has its own balance—and no two accounts are the same.In leadership, trust is everything. It’s the reason clients feel safe enough to open up. But here’s the catch—it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey.

As leaders, we earn trust through the little things: showing up consistently, keeping our word, and demonstrating that we care. It’s in the way we listen without judgment, offer support, and stay reliable. Brené Brown reminds us that trust grows through small, intentional moments of connection.

The Science of Trust

Here’s something fascinating: trust has its own neurochemistry. When we feel trust, our brains release oxytocin—the “connection hormone.” Oxytocin creates space for empathy and collaboration. But when trust is broken, cortisol floods the system. This puts us in fight-or-flight mode, and meaningful conversations grind to a halt.

As leaders, it’s our job to create environments that spark oxytocin instead of cortisol. When we do, trust flows, conversations deepen, and transformation happens.

So back to my Speakership experience. In the case of the speaking feedback, while I had been told I could trust the process, that it was safe (and it was), I had no historical Trust-building experiences with those giving the feedback. The public receiving of feedback was not the correct forum for me, and I could not process the information coming at me. My Trust jar - with myself or of others was void of marbles. The Trust account was in debt. Therefore I was not in a positive balance and not in a position to engage with Trust. - no matter the environment or the actions taken by others to create a high Trust environment.

So how do we do that?